


How to get away with Magical Murder: a practical Handbook

by EristheVengeful



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Essays, Hogwarts Library Restricted Section, How to get away with magical murder: a Handbook, How-to, Humor, Other, This just popped into my head okay, hp universe, just go along with it, sad attempt at humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-15
Updated: 2020-06-15
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:14:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24738256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EristheVengeful/pseuds/EristheVengeful
Summary: Well, it's rather what the title says, creative ways to conceal a murder in the HP universe, and several reasons why you might want to commit (or rather to have your characters commit) a murder. You are welcome to use any of these measly ideas in your own works, though they might not be very creative!
Kudos: 2





	How to get away with Magical Murder: a practical Handbook

**Author's Note:**

> So I'm an idiot who can't concentrate on one thing... This has already been said but obviously needs to be said again... So I figured what the hell? I'll just post whatever this thing on here and let people have a go at it and show me how shitty this is... so here you are lmao ENJOY!!!

Have you heard, time and time again, everyone around you continuously tell you that "Murder is never the answer"? Well, they were wrong (mostly). While needless murder is indeed quite obviously not a commendable activity, murder for either a cause, a ritual or even political advancement can actually be very useful... provided you know how to conceal it and how to use it. We'll start with the why...

1\. For political purposes

You want to make your way up into the world, but some people are still trying to impede you? Say, trying to prevent you from getting a job at the Ministry? Trying to ruin your reputation or blackmail you somehow? Well, the answer to your problem might be murder, provided you do it right. Although significantly easier for Wizards than for measly Muggles, there is still a protocol that needs to be respected if you don't want the Aurors to catch you red-handed!

1; How-to  
Obviously, use an indetectable spell and wand. Make sure the wand you use cannot be traced back to you. Purchase a secret wand or use someone else's (preferably someone you don't like!) The spell is a bit of a no-brainer, really: what works better than a Killing Curse? Well, it depends on the occasion. If it's stritcly a murder for business, you might want to keep it professional, and the Killing Curse does help with keeping that kind of distance between you and your victim. Murder for personal reasons, for example passion crimes, will be touched upon later in this book.

2; Cleaning up the evidence  
So you killed someone. Well, don't just stand there! You need to make sure there is no evidence that could be traced back to you. Accio any stray hair that might have fallen to the ground while you were carrying out your nefarious designs, and make sure everything is positioned just like it was before the murder. Now that this is done, you might want to get rid of the corpse. Depending on the spell you used, you might want to Evanesco any trace of blood (of course, you don't need to if you have used the Killing Curse!) and either vanish the corpse itself, shrink it or transfigure it into some rock. If you're feeling particularly good you might want to shrink the corpse and preserve it as a Yule ornament, nothing cheerier than a shrunk corpse hanging in a tree is there?

3; Enjoy!  
Enjoy the benefits of your murder, and don't forget to Obliviate any witnesses to your most egregious crime, and to forge yourself a solid alibi!

2\. Passion crimes  


So you were an idiot and got yourself into trouble, did you? Well, while passion murder might be a bit of a hassle to get away with (and you might wanna look up a few Magical Law books and owl a good magical lawyer at that point), we'll try to help you conceal your murder so you don't have to go to trial and be judged by those morons at the Wizenmagot.

1; Get rid of all evidence  
Firstly, you might want to Stupefy any and all witnesses, and Obliviate them. If you haven't quite matered Obliviate yet (what have you been doing with your life?!), then you might want to stage an explosion of some sort to make sure there is no one that might tell on you. Or if you're a master of Legilimency, just break into their mind and, well, break their mind! Or you might want to try Crucio for that, it's much easier. Just hold them under the spell for long enough, we assure you it'll work eventually!

2; Get rid of the corpse  
Now that that's done, why don't we get rid of the corpse? You want to refer to the section on Political murder for that, although in the event of a passion crime, just know that keeping a corpse might have disturbing consequences on your mental health!

3\. Murder as catalyst in rituals

Well, well, well, lookie what we have here... a budding Dark Wizard! How wonderful! In any case, we all know that a murder is one of the main prerequisites for any self-respecting ritual... and if you're reading that book with the intent to perform a ritual, there's no doubt you've already mentally prepared yourself for the task! We're afraid this book might not be the best source for rituals and what pertains to them, as they doubtless would be explained in much greater detail in specialized books, but the cleanup is also an important task. There are a few types of rituals that we will cover here:

1; Rituals involving the Christian Hell  
Amongst the Dark Wizardry community, those types of rituals are fairly frequent, and boy do they leave evidence of a crime. The charred corpse might be a bit of a, if you'll pardon the pun, dead giveaway that something not quite legal happened in your basement (or wherever you are... Hogwarts has a wonderful shapeshifting room that will serve you well). Well, if you're done with getting high of the power your awfula nd immoral ritual just gave you, it's time for the boring part: the cleanup. The pentagram in those rituals is usually charred in the ground of the room you performed your oh-so-evil ritual in, so let's take care of that first. Most wizarding homes are either made of wood or of stone, with a clear preference for stone (I mean, it IS less likely to fall to pieces around you, so we can't really fault people for that...) So here you are in your stone basement. Well, get to cleaning! Now, to get rid of evidence, there is a very useful spell you can hijack for... well, less legal purposes. The Shaving spell is quite wondrous. It can even shave stone! You heard tht right, you can shave a thin coat of ston from the ground to get rid of the engraved pentagram! It truly is the most elegznt solution and the ony one we will bother detailing here. To get rid of the body, refer to 1.

2; Rituals involving the Pagan Gods  
So you've decided to make a deal with the Pagan Gods? Well, good for you, but those gods are messy. And that's not an exaggeration. Each one leaves some of his elements behind when attending a ritual, so if you don't want your basement covered in flowers or tortured human souls, I suggest you get to scrubbing... magically of course! Wouldn't want to look like a filthy Muggle, now, would we? As always, the shaving charm and cleaning ( scrub, scrub!) charms are always a safe bet, and you can supplement them with a few transfiguration spells to make sure that everything is perfect and squeaky clean (and inconspicuous!)


End file.
